A Broken Button

Last fall Brad decided it would be a good idea for us to have a "Family meeting" of sorts every couple of weeks so as to create a habit and "normalcy" of open communication with the boys.  Even if it is simple and not too in depth now, considering they are still very young, Brad's thought was that it's best to start this as a habit now so that as they grow older, they feel comfortable talking to Mom and Dad about life and it's challenges.  I LOVED the idea.  This was all kind of spurred on because with our involvement in Operation 61, there's been a lot of talk about how important it is to talk to your kids about the tough stuff... sex, sexual abuse, porn, sex-trafficking, confidence/self-worth, how to treat a girl, etc etc.
Well, of course the Holidays create a crazy few months and we just never implemented the "Family Meeting."  However, come the first of the year, this was one of Brad's main goals.  This was very important to him.
We decided that every other Monday we will have the family meeting.  The meeting is a a safe place to talk about anything and everything.  You can express frustrations, appreciation, complaints, challenges, ideas, anything!  Sometimes we will go do something as a family instead of having a formal sit down.  Brad laid out some rules, etc.  The boys were totally on board!  I was so impressed and really proud of Brad in all of this.  He wrote up a whole outline for what the "Family Meeting" is.
As we had the first meeting two weeks ago, Carson brought up the idea that it would be helpful to have a "comment/suggestion" box where you can "anonymously" write down ideas, issues, complaints, suggestions, etc. to be addressed at the next meeting.  So, that night we made a cute little box with a hole in the top, put a pad of paper and a pen next to it and set it on the bookshelf in my office.  Every so often, Carson would come in and "secretively" write something down and put it in the box.
We also collectively agreed, as a family, that our main goal for the next two weeks would be NOT to yell so much.  Every one of us, mainly Mom and Carson needed to work on using calm voices if we get upset and not turn to yelling.

Last night we had our second meeting.  We talked about school, upcoming vacations, how things are going with the Nanny, etc.  Brad and I decided that Carson and Hunter's goal for the next two weeks needs to be regarding their relationship with each other.  Lately Carson has been bossing Hunter around entirely too much and subsequently, Hunter has been hitting Carson way too much.  So Carson is to stop bossing Hunter around and change the way he talks to him.  Hunter needs to work on 1. Not letting it bug him so much and 2. Not turn to hitting and fighting when he has an issue with something.

On to the box.  Brad opens the box and out comes a ton of folded up little pieces of paper.  There was probably 10 or more little notes... all but one from Carson :)
Hunter's note: "Boondocks"  Clearly his vote is for Boondocks.
Brad starts reading the other papers;
-"Airborne"
-"Boondocks"
-"Hunter is being mean"
-"I want to talk about school"
... and then it starts...
-"Mom is still yelling.  It hurts my feelings"
-"Mom is yelling still"  (Ouch. OK.  I get it.  I PROMISE I am working on this.)
-"I'm the one that broke the button on Mom's pillow."

WOW.  Really?  These meetings just might work.  Here's how this would normally go.
-I find out the button on my $40 Pottery Barn pillow has been broken off.  I ask the boys if they know what happened.  Carson denies knowing or doing anything.  We then find out it was really Carson.  We get in a big argument about lying, because is he is sticking to his story of innocence.  It turns to yelling.  Gets blown up way bigger than it needs to and ends with everyone frustrated.
I say this because this has been the scenario SO many times.  However, this little "comment box" somehow solicited the idea that "it's okay to tell the truth, even if you did something that will make Mom mad."  So instead... this is how it went:
Brad reads the little piece of paper.  We look at each other a little taken back by the "confessional", turn to Carson and express how proud we are of him for telling the truth (especially since we hadn't even asked them about the pillow yet), tell him it's just a pillow and we all move on.  *sigh*  So much better. Now I'm not saying that there's never going to be a time that Carson or Hunter "confess" something in these meetings that call for punishment.  However, if this opens a line of communication where they feel safe and comfortable telling us things that are uncomfortable or hard to talk about, then I say success!  


They are 8 years old and 4.5 years old.  Our hope is that this becomes a "culture"... a "habit" in our little family.  Communication is critical... especially as they enter pre-teen and teen years.  But not only communication, just simply time together.  Time spent together as a family in this crazy busy life of ours.  There are so many scary things in this world.  So many opportunities to fall.  But also so many opportunities to grow, learn, succeed.  We want to foster an environment that allows them to grow up to be strong, confident men of God.
This is just one step...